Pride, Humility and Shame

The problem of Christians and shame has been on my mind for a while now. I would say its always been there in the back of my mind, but I really started contemplating it seriously after hearing an excellent sermon from my old pastor when I was visiting my parents last spring. He argued that one of the gifts that we receive when we place our trust in Christ is freedom from guilt and shame. The ultimate price has been paid. Every sinful thing we have ever done has been blotted out in the blood of Jesus. Therefore, we do not need to feel shame, and he urged us to embrace this freedom both for ourselves and for those we meet as part of showing them the love of Christ.

Which got me thinking. What is this source of shame? A lot of people would say its societal. That whole socio-evolutionary view that we developed shame to keep people in line. I've had more than a few people tell me that Christians have done more to instill a sense of shame than anyone else, citing the phenomena of 'Catholic Guilt' as a case in point. While I dispute that we are more to blame than anyone else, it is hard to dispute that the church has a well earned reputation for causing shame as much as it relieves it. So why do we have such a hard time getting rid of something that we aren't supposed to have, and no one wants?

I believe I have caught a glimpse of the problem, from a rather unlikely source. Depending on whether or not you had a Nickelodeon watching child 8 years ago, you may or may not be familiar with "Avatar: The Last Airbender" (the American anime style cartoon, not the awful M. Night Shyamalan movie). I need to do a post some time on why I like this show so much, and I am terrible at summaries, so instead I will direct you to the Wikipedia page if you are interested, which you should be. One of the characters, Iroh,  acts as the moral center and source of wisdom throughout the series. In one episode ("Bitter Work"), Iroh observes, "...pride is not the opposite of shame, but its source. True humility is the only antidote to shame."

This got me to thinking. Anyone with any religious (or western literature) background knows that pride is one of the seven deadly sins, and [less well know] humility is one of the seven heavenly virtues. We usually hear about pride as being bad because it encourages us to set ourselves up equal to God and better than our fellow man. Its a sin because it leads us to build towers of Babel in our own lives, because it gives us the illusion that we can somehow save ourselves or, worse, don't even need saving. Pride makes us echo Satan in Paradise Lost, thinking that is its "Better to reign in Hell, than serve in Heav'n". I do not dispute any of this.

But I want to suggest that this is a rather flat picture of pride. It mostly describes how pride insults God, that the main issue with pride not that it hurts us in this life, but hurts our chances in the next. I want to suggest that it damages us just as much in this life. That pride has been the perpetual fountain of shame that we have never been able to stem. Most of us have never tried to cultivate true humility. We usually stop somewhere around the humble-brag stage, where we get caught being proud that we are humble. This is not humility, and leaves the door wide open not only for our own shame, but for shaming others. Far too often we say "Thank you God, that you did not make me that person" instead of reaching out. This is where we get all holier-than-thou and bruise the body of Christ, and prevent ourselves from truly knowing the freedom from shame and guilt that God wants for us.

This is not to say that we should not repent from our sins. But if we did not think so highly of ourselves to begin with, we would not feel the need to wallow in guilt once we have confessed and been cleansed from all iniquity.

What would true humility look like? I'm not sure. I know that it is a lot more selfless, a lot quieter, a lot more generous than whatever it is we are doing now. Humility requires us to look beyond ourselves, to acquire a proper perspective of who we are and what we are here for. I don't think this means dwelling on how insignificant we are in the grand scheme of things. In the grandest of grand scheme of things, you were important enough for God to become flesh, and submit Himself to death for you. But I do think it requires us to remember that we are Christ's hands and feet in this world now, and that we should be trying to see a long lost brother or sister in everyone we meet, and acting accordingly.

If only we can let go of our pride, and embrace true humility, we may at last shed the shame that keeps us from knowing, and sharing, Christ' love to the fullest.

I Survived the Written Qualifer

Well, I did it. The written qualifier is over. It was the biggest, most stressful test of my life and through the whole thing I was weirdly...calm. I swear I could feel the peace of Christ just sitting on top of my panic like one of those huge guys in a cartoon sitting on the villain. I got there early of course, and I was just calm. Zen.

I had spent weeks trying to memorize the hundreds of formulas we learned in the past 3 semesters. I thought I had them down cold. As soon as the prof handed me the test, they left. Just walked right out of my head. The only thing I could remember was Snell's Law. Which is a nice, fundamental optics law that was utterly useless to me. I had nothing else. I eventually dragged out the lens makers equation, which also turned out to be useless.

But it didn't bother me. I knew that I didn't have a single mathematical thing in my head to draw on. I just had all the concepts. I would have to explain everything in words. And it didn't bother me. I should have been freaking out. Some of those equations would have been incredibly useful. But I just stayed calm, and kept working. There's a better than 50/50 chance I passed, assuming I don't mess up my oral exam next week.

I am unbelievably glad that it's over. Even with the rest of the exam ahead, I feel like I've passed the major hurdle. I just need to hang in there, brush up on the topics I ignored in the exam and stay calm. I won't know for another 3 weeks if I passed or not, but whatever the outcome, the rest of the semester will be so much easier from here on out.

I'm going to take at least tomorrow off, and hopefully write a good 'real' post or two on not-optics before I have to dive back in and finish off the beast. But tonight, rest.

The Waiting is the Worst Part...

Well, its down to the wire. In less than 24 hours it will be 75% over. I'll have crossed the Rubicon.

I taught my morning class today, which was a good thing because one of my students gave me the perfect opening to explain Maxwell's equations. Also, this group of students is not particularly shy. All my classes have asked what I did to my hand, this group got up the guts to ask, "So, did you know the pan was hot?" and comment on the duct tape. Engineers, and they aren't dependant on duct tape. What is this world coming to.

I got someone to cover my afternoon session, which was also good because it meant that I could come home and try to relax and drink Emergen-C, since I have a sneaking suspicion that I am coming down with something, and in usual form am putting it off until after the exam. This happens every time I have something big and stressful looming. Right after we closed on the house I came down with a wicked sinus infection. I'm just hoping I can maybe edge it out until after the oral portion as well.

I don't quite know what to do with myself. A part of me says 'study!' and another, I believe less panicky part, says if I don't know it now, I'm unlikely to learn it in the next 12 hours, and I should just relax and let my subconscious organize. I'll glance over some things in the morning, but nothing substantial is going to be learned now. I kinda wish I could just take it and get it over with. At this point I'm most worried by the fact that my fingers have started to regain some mostly pins and needles feeling. I'd rather not be suddenly feeling my burned fingers in the middle of explaining Young's Double Slit. Its not nearly as painful as when they were first burned, but it's enough to be distracting.

I know I know this stuff. I know that I have a lot of people praying for me. Now all I can do is pray and throw myself on the mercy of the Examining Committee.

Panic is Contagious

So yesterday, I was feeling pretty good about my qualifier. I had achieved a calm state of mind, and had accepted that whatever would happen would happen.

I went into school today to do a little studying without Penny trying to sit in my lap, and maybe ask some clarification on a point from one of my classmates. I found a bunch of them studying in the conference room after I had been there a little while, so I thought I'd sit down, listen to what they were discussing, etc.

I should not have done that. I'll do homework in a group, in undergrad there were a couple of people I could study with. I cannot study with my classmates at this point of the game. They are all just teetering on the edge of panic. It turns out that panic is contagious, even among scientist types.

Intellectually, even emotionally, I still feel good about my qualifier. By I feel physically panicked. I abandoned them at lunch time, came home and have been trying to re-achieve zen ever since. I changed my blog template so people could actually subscribe. I took Penny on a walk, and vented to my very patient mother. I watched "Avatar, the Last Airbender", and came up with a good theology post. And then another theology post to explain how I got a theology post out of Nickelodeon's anime-style show.

Still have not achieved physical calm. I'm hoping that my Thursday morning class does the trick, even if a good night's sleep doesn't. Otherwise, I don't know how I'm going to re-achieve calmness.

So, lesson learned. Panic is contagious. Do not hang out around panicking people.

Why I'm not panicking about my Qualifier

It hit me yesterday as I tried to study with some of my classmates and fellow sufferers--they are all panicking, and I'm as close to zen as I ever am. They looked over old exams and were even more terrified and I was thinking "Yeah, I can answer at least one in each category" (which is all we need to do). I tried to figure it out last night, why I'm not more scared. I was a couple of weeks ago. I'm not more prepared than they are--some of them started studying last spring. I'm definitely not smarter, or find it all intuitive and easy. So why aren't I panicking?

Part of it is I know I have prayer warriors praying for me. Does that put knowledge in my head? No, but I know I knew all this stuff once, and I've been studying harder than I have for anything ever, and knowing that they are praying for me makes me feel calm, and therefore like this is something I can handle.

Weirdly, the fact that I burned my hand gives me confidence. Seriously, small bad incidents have preceded some of the best things in my life--like getting rear-ended a few days before my wedding. It's...anti-jinxing?

But as I was thinking about it and walking to teach this morning, I realized that being a grad student is at best a 4th order part of my identity. Being a human, a Christian and a wife all come way way before my identity as a grad student. My self worth is not determined by this exam. Moreover, I have two shots at this thing. If I don't pass this time, I'll be annoyed with myself, but better prepared for next time. Not that I want or intend to fail, but its just not the end of the world.

But my classmates? This is their identity. They have delayed developing almost every other aspect of their lives to get a PhD and this exam is basically all that stands in their way. Pretty much all their self-respect (and they think the respect of others) rides on passing this one.

Whatever the reason, I think I prefer not panicking. I don't think panicking has ever led to better test outcomes, so its a giant waste of energy. Now if I can just remember this for...everything else in life.

Life with 1 1/2 hands

After burning my fingers pretty badly last night, I was pretty well useless for the remainder of the evening for one reason and another, mostly pain related. I did not think the full implications of my hand looking like this:

In the background, my office

Yes, my fingers are covered in duct tape (there is gauze between my fingers and the tape), and yes they are taped together. I found a minimally painful position and we just duct taped them into place. I changed the dressing this morning, but it worked so well I just taped them back together. As it turns out, the  main portion of the burns are completely insensitive now--a lot of the pain was probably the nerves dying screams, but the edges, where it is less burned, sting and burn when touched  (or just, whenever).

Now, I've be injury prone over the years. I have experience working around sprained wrists, sprained ankles, non-functioning balance systems. A couple of fingers out of commission should be a breeze, right? Nope. Turns out I use my left hand a lot. Typing, carrying things, putting my hair up all require  two hands. I don't think I can cook and I definitely can't do dishes one handed. One thing I was not anticipating is that it makes driving...tricky. I learned to drive in a standard transmission car, and have never gotten out of the habit of using my left hand to control the wheel, and my right hand to do everything else. It feels weird to steer with my right hand.

While it doesn't inhibit my writing-writing, or my study abilities, I feel like this happened at an inopportune time. However, I'm going to take it as a good omen. A lot of good things in my life have been preceded by something unpleasant. Four days until the qualifier!

The many uses of honey: Use 21-Burns

You'll have to forgive any typos--I'm temporarily down a hand. In the course of cooking dinner I forgot that the handle of the pan that I had just taken out of a 425 F oven (with a pot holder) was hot, and managed to get 2nd degree burns on my left middle and ring fingers. For the record, it *hurts* when you burn yourself to the point it blisters immediately. Perversely, if I had ignored my instincts and held it a few more seconds, I'd have 3rd degree burns but no pain. So now my fingers are covered in honey and gauze and duct tape. 

By Scott Bauer, USDA ARS [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Honey is an amazing substance. Its the only foodstuff manufactured by animals, and that we can't make ourselves. Its sweeter than sugar, and its uses are still being fully explored, and most of its traditional uses have been borne out by science (in sharp contrast to most things homeopaths tout). But of particular use to me is its anti-septic and wound healing properties at the moment. Research suggests that, unlike its more commonly used cohort aloe vera, it can speed healing of burns. I always have lots of it on hand anyway for...everything. 

Ditto gauze and duct tape. Seriously, why buy bandaids in a variety of sizes when you can buy a box of gauze pads and a roll of duct tape and make exactly the size you need? Duct tape also sticks better, and has a million and one other uses. 

The only downside I have found to using honey is that Penny really, really wants to lick my fingers. Fortunately for me, my wonderful husband, besides helping me with things that need two hands, is keeping her otherwise occupied. 

At least its my non-dominant hand. I'll still be able to write out my qualifying exam on Friday!

~PhysicsGal