It hit me yesterday as I tried to study with some of my classmates and fellow sufferers--they are all panicking, and I'm as close to zen as I ever am. They looked over old exams and were even more terrified and I was thinking "Yeah, I can answer at least one in each category" (which is all we need to do). I tried to figure it out last night, why I'm not more scared. I was a couple of weeks ago. I'm not more prepared than they are--some of them started studying last spring. I'm definitely not smarter, or find it all intuitive and easy. So why aren't I panicking?
Part of it is I know I have prayer warriors praying for me. Does that put knowledge in my head? No, but I know I knew all this stuff once, and I've been studying harder than I have for anything ever, and knowing that they are praying for me makes me feel calm, and therefore like this is something I can handle.
Weirdly, the fact that I burned my hand gives me confidence. Seriously, small bad incidents have preceded some of the best things in my life--like getting rear-ended a few days before my wedding. It's...anti-jinxing?
But as I was thinking about it and walking to teach this morning, I realized that being a grad student is at best a 4th order part of my identity. Being a human, a Christian and a wife all come way way before my identity as a grad student. My self worth is not determined by this exam. Moreover, I have two shots at this thing. If I don't pass this time, I'll be annoyed with myself, but better prepared for next time. Not that I want or intend to fail, but its just not the end of the world.
But my classmates? This is their identity. They have delayed developing almost every other aspect of their lives to get a PhD and this exam is basically all that stands in their way. Pretty much all their self-respect (and they think the respect of others) rides on passing this one.
Whatever the reason, I think I prefer not panicking. I don't think panicking has ever led to better test outcomes, so its a giant waste of energy. Now if I can just remember this for...everything else in life.
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